Monday, 26 July 2010

The Two Russells


Grant waddles into the dimly lit sitting room and peers around. He sees Brand looking fashionable as ever, sat cross-legged playing something involving burly army men in armour running about with big guns across a desert. The sound of gunfire fills the room. Grant parks his flabby derriere onto the sofa alongside Brand, forcing him to shift to accommodate Grant's monstrous ass as it relaxes into the seat.

"So, what you playing?" sneers Grant, his ass slowly consuming the cushion.

"Killzone," replies Brand.

Grant's eyes widen whilst he excitedly shuffles in his seat.

"Why are you playing that piece of shit?" Grant barks, before muting himself with a Cream Horn.

"...actually its rather good," responds Brand, "it's under appreciated by most, and I got it down the market for a fiver - can't complain".

Grant forces the remainder of the Cream Horn into his salivating chops pushing it in with his chubby digits. He splutters briefly before letting out a belly laugh.

"Five pounds too much!" Grant laughs, "this looks terrible; it looks like a PS1 game covered in mud".

"Visually dated, for sure, but the art style is so strong - the characters look so interesting" replies Brand.

"Ha, well Halo 3 got a 10 in Edge," spits Grant "this got a 6".

Brand rolls his eyes and continues to concentrate on the game. Grant thumbs around on his Blackberry.

"You know this has a metacritic of 70," Grant spouts, hyperventilating at the promise of an argument.

Brand continues shooting the Helghast as they pop up from murder holes in their desert fort.

"The start of the game is pretty rough," Brand concedes, "but you should see the variation in later levels".

Grant purses his grease-coated lips and huffs impatiently.

Brand continues, "You see, later on you get to fight in this park in the middle of a city. There are cherry blossoms in the air, and a subtle white fog masking the outskirts of the city. It's an interesting contrast".

Grant rubs his sticky palms on his face, clearly agitated by the merit Brand is putting forth.

"But look at the frame rate, that's not even 20" barks Grant.

"True. That's true," agrees Brand, "but it's bearable, and I'm taking it for what it is - an above average 6 year old game".

Grant scrambles around the floor looking for the box of Cream Horns. He has eaten them all. He gestures his chubby little arms at the flickering screen.

"Why don't you play a newer game with better graphics?" Grant screams.

"That's the plan," replies Brand, "I've already made a start on Killzone 2, I just wanted to go back and see what had changed or been modernised".

"...but that's on the shitty Playstation fail! Why would you waste your time with that?" Grant spouts.

"It's arguably one of the nicest looking games this generation," says Brand, "and it's take on first person cover, is quite interesting, very cinematic".

Grant rubs his face continually.

"But they stole it from Gears of War!" Grant cries.

"Well, that doesn't matter too much, but if you are going to be pedantic, then they actually stole the mechanic from Kill Switch," sighs Brand.

Grant rubs his face again.

"Killzone 2 is just grey and brown!" Grant exclaims.

Brand smiles and replies, "Yeah, they stole it from Gears of War".